Love, Grace: Creating hope from darkness

Please note – this story references accounts of sexual abuse and violence. Reader discretion is advised.

When Grace Millane went travelling, her cousin, Hannah O’Callaghan, was excited for her, and – remembering her own adventures nearly two decades prior – a little envious. But, when Grace suddenly stopped responding to messages on her 22^nd birthday, Hannah’s life, and the lives of her close-knit family, changed forever.

Hannah came to the University of Southampton in 2000 to study geography. “I absolutely loved it,” she says, full of warmth for the city. “I made friends for life, who I still see for visits and holidays. It’s a lovely place, a lovely campus, with a lovely feel to it. I felt privileged to study there.

“After university, I went on a gap year with another Southampton friend, Rachel. We went around the world together. I loved it.”

On returning, Hannah took up teaching, a role she did for 14 years alongside raising a family – life experiences that were tragically robbed from her beloved cousin, Grace.

The day that everything changed

Hannah and her family’s world collapsed when, on 2 December 2018, her cousin Grace Millane was murdered while travelling in New Zealand. The perpetrator, a man she’d met on a dating app, would go on to be charged six days later.

“Nothing in the family was ever the same. Even when you feel happy, there is that feeling of guilt because she’s not there.

“We found out that Grace had gone on a date on the evening of her birthday. At his trial, the perpetrator tried to blame her. He used ‘rough sex’ as his defence. She wasn’t there to defend herself.”

“We don’t mention his name,” says Hannah. Then and now, it’s important to Hannah that Grace’s story doesn’t become about the man who killed her, but about helping women. Grace’s family were appalled that criminals could put words in their victim’s mouth, effectively blaming them for their own death. They started to look for organisations that could help.

“As a family, we started learning a bit about the White Ribbon charity. Their mantra is ‘Don’t remain silent’. If you hear a joke and you think that’s not right, then you should say something. We can do it for racism, so we should also do it for sexist behaviour.

“Grace went missing during White Ribbon’s ‘16 days of activism’, where you’re supposed to raise awareness of male violence against women.”

1 in 4 women experience domestic violence

Grace’s death had a huge impact both in the UK and in New Zealand.

“The people of New Zealand really took her to heart”, says Hannah. There were rallies. People began to speak up about their own experiences. Because the perpetrator’s name was suppressed, the case became all about Grace rather than the killer, and people came to relate to her.

For Hannah, her new mission in life became clear – to do all she could to help women avoid violence, or to recover from it.

“1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. If you think about all the women you know, a quarter of them will have been impacted, whether that’s as an adult, or as a child.”

Hannah and her family worked with Fiona McKenzie, founder of the group We Can’t Consent To This, to change the law in England and Wales so that rough sex can no longer be used as a defence.

“We’ve still got some work to do on that,” says Hannah. “But it’s worth it if it means no other family has to sit through what we did, where Grace was being victimised for her own death. It was like she was being blamed, and yet she wasn’t there to speak up for herself.”

Helping women through Love, Grace

Hannah and her family have started a charity to change the status quo around violence against women: Love, Grace. They also continue to work with other charities.

“All of my cousins had decided they were going to raise money for White Ribbon’s educational programme, by doing a Nuclear Race challenge, which is a muddy run and obstacle course. I’d just had a baby, so obviously that wasn’t for me. Instead, I saw a social media post about filling up a handbag with toiletries and giving it to a homeless person. I thought we could do with something like this at the local women’s refuge.”

On average, women have just 20 minutes to leave the house when escaping an abusive relationship. This means they tend to grab things for their children, but forget themselves.

“At first, we decided to do 50 bags for the women’s refuge in Grace’s memory, but it has escalated and we’ve now done over 23,000 bags worldwide.

“At Love, Grace, we place six key items in each bag. They are things most of us would take for granted: shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, shower gel, toothpaste and a toothbrush. After that, we add as many luxuries as we can.”

One of the most popular additions in the bags is a purse. “Many of these women aren’t just victims of violence, but of economic coercion. Women tell us, ‘This is the first time I’ve had a purse, the first time I’ve had control of my own money’. One even told us, ‘This is the first time I’ve had make-up!’. To her it was a symbol of triumph, empowerment and freedom.”

Each packed bag is finished with a white ribbon and a card with the Love, Grace logo.

“The logo is a flower that Grace drew, and the handwriting is hers. It was taken from the last card that Grace sent to her mum. These bags are packed with love from us for these women. The back of the card tells you a little bit about Grace and there’s a note that says, ‘Believe in yourself, you matter’.”

This is a key message for Hannah, who is passionate about helping women who’ve been in a place where they believe they don’t have any worth. Love, Grace moves the lens away from men and violence, and instead focuses on making women feel safe and valued.

Love, Grace is making a difference all over the world, with annual bag drives now a regular occurrence in New Zealand and the UK.

Unexpected accolades

In the summer of 2022, Hannah visited 10 Downing Street with her Aunt Gillian to accept a Points of Light award. The awards, issued by the Prime Minister, recognise outstanding individual volunteers – people who are making a change in their community. “It was the most

surreal thing I’ve ever experienced,” Hannah says, laughing, “Boris [Johnson] walked around and met all of us without his aides and knew everything about us.”

Then, in 2023, Hannah discovered she’d received an OBE in the King’s New Year Honours and travelled to Windsor Castle the following March to accept her award. “I met Princess Anne, who said this must be very

bittersweet. I was amazed she knew so much about Grace and me. To be awarded an OBE was such a humbling experience.”

This has been a harrowing journey, but one that Hannah and her family have done as much as they can to turn into a positive. Their love for Grace has shown itself as love for all women. Whether the actions are seismic, affecting laws around the world, or as small as putting a toothbrush in a bag, they are making the world a better place.

“This is for us, as well as the women we work to help,” says Hannah. “A real, practical way to deal with .”

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